The Lies

Today - whilst sitting and thinking about dinosaurs - I came to the realisation of one eternal, unquestionable truth:

We have all been lied to!

Creationism? Evolution? All filthy lies designed to keep us under control. Let's start with the obvious...

Dinosaurs

Killed by a meteor? Don't make me laugh. Dinosaurs were far too awesome to be killed by a poxy meteor. Aren't those things falling all the time, anyway? How come we haven't been wiped out yet? Oh, it fell in the sea and fucked shit up or something. Bollocks! The planets covered in the sea and this only happened once, ages ago? What a load of twaddle. I will no enlighten you. I mean, do you really think something so ridiculous could wipe out a planet of dinosaurs?

A meteor is no match for this!

The dinosaurs were wiped out by a nuclear missile fired by aliens, which brings us to our next point.

Humanity

Now, you may want to sit down for this as I am about to blow your tiny, closed mind into a hundred thousand pieces...

We are aliens!


That's right. The truth is that after our original race wiped out all life on this planet other than the cockroaches, they waited several years for the Earth to become habitable once more and then colonised it. Now, I know what you're thinking right now: What about all the little animals and stuff? Well, they obviously captured of the inhabitants of the planet before nuking it. They used their advanced technology to genetically engineer the dinosaurs so that they were the tiny little things we now know as lizards, snakes, crocodiles, and birds. They then used the same techniques to alter their own DNA with that of the monkeys so that some of them could stay on the planet. This was common practice for all their colonies, I assure you.

This is where I think the story of Adam & Eve may have some truth to it.

Adam & Eve

So, what if there was an Adam & Eve, but they weren't exactly as descibed in the bible? What if our original ancestors, the "aliens," created Adam & Eve by mixing their own DNA with that of the apes?


There was an experiment to create the ultimate creature for survival on this planet. Now, the first couple of thousand or so of these experiments were failures and exiled to the Earth's less attractive areas, but Project ADAM and Project EVE were great successes and were given an area of the Earth to rule over by the "aliens" until one day they fucked up and got kicked out by their Supreme Masters and had to shack up with the failed experiments. However, before the "aliens" could continue with the experiments, they had to leave for some reason or another.

However, some of the aliens stayed behind and bred with both each other and, eventually, their experimens. Some of these aliens still exist today, being immortal, and walk among us. Now, I know what you're thinking: Why then, oh wise one, do our true ancestors reveal themselves? Why did they not step forth and try to help us with their gifts? Why not use this power to do good, or just makea shit-ton of money? Well, I submit to you, readers, that they did reveal themselves, and what happened to this most noble of "aliens"?

Jesus

Yes, Jesus was an alien who revealed himself. He was not the son of "Dog" or some nonsense like that, which was just a lie designed by the other "aliens" to hide the truth. Why did they do this? Well, what happened to Jesus upon revealing himself?


YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM! He tried to tell us the truth and you killed him, allowing the "Church" to twist his stories into some bollocks that would hide those truths forever. You are responsible for this. There is proof of this in the bible itself, when his corpse is collected by an spaceship from some cave or something. Poor Jesus.

So, your actions caused a fear in the other "aliens" that made them far too scared to reveal themselves. Now they all sit around coming up with the next lie (Christianity, Scientology, Evolution) for when we get bored of the last one.

Side Notes:

Just after realising these truths, I got a letter from my employers informing me that I'd been signed up for counselling. I don't think the two are related.

I had an idea for a short story today. It's about a monkey who can talk and is a private detective. He has to investigate the theft of one of Jack's beans from the old story about that dude Jack who climbed the giant beanstalk and hung out with a giant for a while.