Saturday, 31 January 2009
Friday, 30 January 2009
Syringe
Sooo this is some shitty stream of consciousness experiment type thing I did. I am not a suicidal druggie, mmk?
Bit of scene-sitting is required: When this popped into my head, it came with a vision of some dude about to take some pill out of some girls mouth, skins-stylee. That little bit of context is kind of required.
Syringe
Bit of scene-sitting is required: When this popped into my head, it came with a vision of some dude about to take some pill out of some girls mouth, skins-stylee. That little bit of context is kind of required.
Syringe
Stop.
Think about why you're doing this.
Or maybe you're sick of waiting for a reason? Tired of waiting on some big tragedy to come along and give you an excuse to do this, something that will make it a little more forgiveable.
Then again, maybe you need an escape. You need some silence from the confusion, from the screaming voices all vying for your undivided attention.
But then, maybe you just want to go to a peaceful place full of joy, a place full of light.
A place that deep down you know you might never come back from.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Seven : Review - The Cut On My Finger
Well, this is an odd cut. I could barely remember how I got it until I remember that I put a glass on the table last night and it decided to shatter in my hand. The woman who was serving our table was very nice, rushing to get me cleaned up and to stick a plaster on me. She wasn't very attractive though. She was average, 5/10, but the cut on my finger is epic.
It looks like a massive chunk has been removed and a small flap of skin has covered up the vile gash. I don't think that's actually the case though, as the "flap" is quite thick and actually appears to be raised from the finger. I hope there's not a piece of glass stuck underneath there.
In terms of pain, the cut is a bit of a letdown. Last night I was fairly sure I'd be in agony this morning, and while that's true of my head, I can't even feel the cut. It's like it's not even there, to be honest. Very disappointing.
It healed amazingly fast. It looks like a week old wound rather than a... 9 hour old wound. I somehow lost the plaster, otherwise I'd see if it had bled much, but if it did then it's stopped now.
It's gonna leave a nice scar :D
Overall, the cut is visually pretty good, but it's not painful or anything which is pretty lame. The scar it's going to leave is going to be epic though.
6/10
Things I learned last night:
I'm not gay, apparently. One day I'll make up my mind.
I must look good in a suit.
People worry about me, bizarrely. Only the people at work though. I wish other people worried about me too.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Six : Why I Love And Hate Skins
Love:
It's funny. That whole scene in the gym in the most recent episode was one of the funniest things I've seen in recent times.
It deals with the real shit. It covers everything from racism, drug addiction, teen pregnancy, homophobia, death (it does this the best; see Sid's dad and Chris :(), and all the other shit people deal with.
The characters.
There's the old crew: The weird and eccentric Cassie. Chris who is the typical learn-to-love-him character who starts out a bit shit but eventually becomes one of the most likeable characters. Jal... Ok, Jal's pretty boring, but she still manages to be quite likeable. Maxxie, the loveable gay boy. Anwar, I think we all had a friend like Anwar. Michelle; to be honest I just like her clothes, they're all colourful and shit. Sid, who all of us geeky virgins could relate to. And then there's Tony who is just... well, Tony.
The new batch seem promising: Effy is already a legend with her odd ways, ability to read people, and being a manipulative bitch. Her best friend Pandora is like a more naive version of Cassie, but on less weed and on more ecstacy. Cook, who looks set to be this generation's Chris. Freddie who is just insta-cool as soon as he shows up, skating through traffic. JJ reminds me a bit too much of Sid, but a bit more retarded. Again, he's by far the easiest to relate to. Naomi is intriguing, is she a lesbian? And what really went down between her and the twins? Katie and Emily would probably suck individually, but there's an interesting dynamic between the two of them. And their pervy brother who watches them shower is made of win. Mackenzie Crook's got a role coming up soon too, and Ardal O'Hanlon is made of awesomeness.
The music's awesome. I had both the theme tune and Standing In The Way Of Control as my message alert and ringtone for about a year. Considering they've had both Crystal Castles and MGMT in the show, it's probably got one of the best soundtracks on TV. Was glad to hear some Klaxons this week, too.
Hate:
Ok, there's really only one part I hate, and that is that I am intensely jealous. I want to be sat outside some dodgy burger van selling lager smoking a spliff. I want to get dragged into a game of doing everything on the school's DO NOT DO THIS list. I wanted to be there when Cook dropped his trousers to show off his tattoo. I'd even settle for the sad moments, as at least there's something happening to feel something about. That may just be me though.
Looking forward to watching the rest of the new series, anyway.
Friday, 23 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Five : Sony Does It Again
Sony executives are idiots. Here's a couple of recent quote from Kaz Hirai:
Such an idiot. This does NOT MAKE SENSE. Unless you are retarded, which he clearly is.
This is not meant in terms of numbers, or who's got the biggest install base, or who's selling most in any particular week or month, but I'd like to think that we continue official leadership in this industry.
Holy shit. What a spacker.
We don't provide the 'easy to program for' console that [developers] want, because 'easy to program for' means that anybody will be able to take advantage of pretty much what the hardware can do, so then the question is what do you do for the rest of the nine-and-a-half years?
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Four : Seven Pounds Review
Wil Smith is fast becoming one of my favourite actors. I'm usually against the whole "Favourite actor" thing, but I'll make an exception for Big Willy.
The movie starts out really well, very "WTF is going on here?" particularly in the opening scene involving a phone call between Will Smith and Woody Harrelson, but quickly becomes... not boring, that would be the wrong word, but it's not paced very well. It seems to be moving very slowly and has lots of scenes that just seem completely irrelevant, and often are.
The story, while pretty good and very emotional, is also incredibly predictable. Within half an hour I'd clocked on to what was going on, which dampened the emotional impact of the closing ten minutes quite a lot which is a real shame.
One recommendation: Don't read anything about this movie. I read a synopsis which turned out to be a minor spoiler, which probably added to the predictability.
A fairly good movie, though.
7/10
The movie starts out really well, very "WTF is going on here?" particularly in the opening scene involving a phone call between Will Smith and Woody Harrelson, but quickly becomes... not boring, that would be the wrong word, but it's not paced very well. It seems to be moving very slowly and has lots of scenes that just seem completely irrelevant, and often are.
The story, while pretty good and very emotional, is also incredibly predictable. Within half an hour I'd clocked on to what was going on, which dampened the emotional impact of the closing ten minutes quite a lot which is a real shame.
One recommendation: Don't read anything about this movie. I read a synopsis which turned out to be a minor spoiler, which probably added to the predictability.
A fairly good movie, though.
7/10
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Three : My New (Sex) Toy (Live Blogging)
12:52
Aw hell yeah, it's arrived.
I happen to be a bit of a Kingdom Hearts obsessive, and a huge fan of Mickey Mouse, so this was an obvious purchase. Yes, it is the Kingdom Hearts Play Arts Action Figure of King Mickey. Awesome!
It's a lot bigger than I expected, and there appears to be two things in the box that I don't quite recognise. They're either extra ears or hands. I'm not sure. Guess there's only one way to find out...
13:02
Check it out! This is one nicely put together action figure, I have to say. And yes, the spare bits wee extra hands, though they appear to be fists, oddly. The whole things really nicely done, with all the extra little detals added like all the little bits on the jacket. Even the keychain on his keyblade can actually be unclipped!
10/10
Aw hell yeah, it's arrived.
I happen to be a bit of a Kingdom Hearts obsessive, and a huge fan of Mickey Mouse, so this was an obvious purchase. Yes, it is the Kingdom Hearts Play Arts Action Figure of King Mickey. Awesome!
It's a lot bigger than I expected, and there appears to be two things in the box that I don't quite recognise. They're either extra ears or hands. I'm not sure. Guess there's only one way to find out...
13:02
Check it out! This is one nicely put together action figure, I have to say. And yes, the spare bits wee extra hands, though they appear to be fists, oddly. The whole things really nicely done, with all the extra little detals added like all the little bits on the jacket. Even the keychain on his keyblade can actually be unclipped!10/10
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Daily Blogging! Part Two : Drabble - The Tramp
Decided to do a little experimentation today. Here is the definition of a drabble if you're unfamiliar with the term.
The Tramp
The tramp laid alone, naked and cold on a friday afternoon. The shopping bag she used as a hat was little protection from the rain, and nobody walking by offered her shelter or clothes.
They simply ignored her.
A few short years back, they'd never have turned from her. She'd been somebody; a real fucking star. Funny how quick people are to forget you when your body's been ravaged by meth, coke, and alcohol. Now her only friend was a tabby cat that licked her pale, lifeless cheek daily.
The tramp laid alone, naked and cold on a friday afternoon.
*
Monday, 19 January 2009
This week's experiment - Daily Blogging! Part 1 : Fated to Pretend
Yes, so I have decided that this week shall be the week to perform the experiment of Daily Blogging. Today shall be a diary of sorts.
Strangers In My Head
So today at work I got thinking about lots of random shit. I do this a lot. Apparently most people aren't thinking all the time, and I find this bizarre as I can't really imagine or remember a time when there wasn't a voice shouting in my head, keeping me awake all night and feeding my paranoid delusions. Fortunately, this voice is mine. Most of the time. The other night there was a strange French fellow in my head telling me that he wanted to do something, but couldn't. The strange part about this was that he was speaking entirely in French, yet I knew exactly what he was saying.
In the brief moments that my head is not filled with the chaotic ramblings of my psyche, I usually hear music. Today, this caused a very strange situation.
This morning when I woke up, I had the song Roxanne by The Police stuck in my head. Now, I'm not a particularly big Police fan, but I like the song well enough. At work I pretty much just listen to podcasts all day on my iPod while letting my hands do the useless, inane, meaningless task that I've been given. On this particular day I was listening to a Podcast that very rarely plays any music, and even when it does, it's usually some classical garbage. Well, can you, the almighty reader, guess what the song they played today was?
Fucking Roxanne.
I believe in signs, despite being an atheist, and this must be one of those signs. Combined with the fact that three movies I watched last week featured the song Metal Health by Quiet Riot (These movies were Footloose, Crank, and The Wrestler) I'm thinking that I am soon to meet a metal head named Roxanne with mental health issues. God I hope she's single. I am the definition of the word Alone.
The Procrastinators Guide To Success
Also, I decided that I need to tell myself to get off my fat lazy arse and do something with my life. I'm so bored of just sitting inside doing nothing all day, every day. Here ae the available options:
1. Keep working at the job I hate, but join the gym and learn to drive.
2. Quit my job and either join the gym or learn to drive.
3. Quit my job and just write non-stop. (High risk of failure)
4. Keep working at the job I hate, but write in my spare time. (Not good for a procrastinator such as myself.)
5. Keep working at the job I hate, learn to drum in my spare time.
6. Keep working at the job I hate, but move out of my parents house into a bedsit.
All options have advantages and disadvantages. Keeping my job means less time to do anything decent, but I can pay my rent and afford all the worthless junk I buy, fun time, and a ticket for Download which, six months away, I am already pumped for. On the other hand, quitting my job means no money to do any of that, but I'll be able to spend my time on something enjoyable and meaningful. Although I'm so lazy I'll probably just sleep till 1, eat some cold pasta, then play Xbox all day. Been there far too much before.
Clearly, I have to sacrifice something. I just don't know what.
Oh, another point: Keeping my job means free gym.
General Queerness
I remembered something today: A "friend" of mine, who I shall keep nameless, but his name begins with P and when I say "friend" I mean "person who would speak to me when nobody else would but he's a dick", once said to me on the subject of my ever-questionable sexuality: "Just because you get hard over naked dudes doesn't mean you're gay or even bi."
What. A. Mong.
No, no, he's absolutely right. I'm completely straight. Idiot.
But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that this is clearly bollocks, but then why did he say it? Well, with hindsight, I'm willing to wager that we weren't talking about myself when he said that! Yes, he is probably into cock too, and is just in denial.
I feel a bit sorry for him: At least I accepted it! The problem I had was realising that this didn't mean I couldn't have the best of both worlds, oddly enough.
Wow, this is the most personal blog entry yet. This scares me. I hope nobody I know reads this.
Feeling Rough, Feeling Raw, In The Prime Of My Life
On a closing note, Jason Liggi told me that I look like Alec Baldwin. Now, my response to this piece of news depends on which Alec Baldwin he means.
Thank You.
Fuck You. (Kidding)
Not the official video, but listen to the words!
Strangers In My Head
So today at work I got thinking about lots of random shit. I do this a lot. Apparently most people aren't thinking all the time, and I find this bizarre as I can't really imagine or remember a time when there wasn't a voice shouting in my head, keeping me awake all night and feeding my paranoid delusions. Fortunately, this voice is mine. Most of the time. The other night there was a strange French fellow in my head telling me that he wanted to do something, but couldn't. The strange part about this was that he was speaking entirely in French, yet I knew exactly what he was saying.
In the brief moments that my head is not filled with the chaotic ramblings of my psyche, I usually hear music. Today, this caused a very strange situation.
This morning when I woke up, I had the song Roxanne by The Police stuck in my head. Now, I'm not a particularly big Police fan, but I like the song well enough. At work I pretty much just listen to podcasts all day on my iPod while letting my hands do the useless, inane, meaningless task that I've been given. On this particular day I was listening to a Podcast that very rarely plays any music, and even when it does, it's usually some classical garbage. Well, can you, the almighty reader, guess what the song they played today was?
Fucking Roxanne.
I believe in signs, despite being an atheist, and this must be one of those signs. Combined with the fact that three movies I watched last week featured the song Metal Health by Quiet Riot (These movies were Footloose, Crank, and The Wrestler) I'm thinking that I am soon to meet a metal head named Roxanne with mental health issues. God I hope she's single. I am the definition of the word Alone.
The Procrastinators Guide To Success
Also, I decided that I need to tell myself to get off my fat lazy arse and do something with my life. I'm so bored of just sitting inside doing nothing all day, every day. Here ae the available options:
1. Keep working at the job I hate, but join the gym and learn to drive.
2. Quit my job and either join the gym or learn to drive.
3. Quit my job and just write non-stop. (High risk of failure)
4. Keep working at the job I hate, but write in my spare time. (Not good for a procrastinator such as myself.)
5. Keep working at the job I hate, learn to drum in my spare time.
6. Keep working at the job I hate, but move out of my parents house into a bedsit.
All options have advantages and disadvantages. Keeping my job means less time to do anything decent, but I can pay my rent and afford all the worthless junk I buy, fun time, and a ticket for Download which, six months away, I am already pumped for. On the other hand, quitting my job means no money to do any of that, but I'll be able to spend my time on something enjoyable and meaningful. Although I'm so lazy I'll probably just sleep till 1, eat some cold pasta, then play Xbox all day. Been there far too much before.
Clearly, I have to sacrifice something. I just don't know what.
Oh, another point: Keeping my job means free gym.
General Queerness
I remembered something today: A "friend" of mine, who I shall keep nameless, but his name begins with P and when I say "friend" I mean "person who would speak to me when nobody else would but he's a dick", once said to me on the subject of my ever-questionable sexuality: "Just because you get hard over naked dudes doesn't mean you're gay or even bi."
What. A. Mong.
No, no, he's absolutely right. I'm completely straight. Idiot.
But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that this is clearly bollocks, but then why did he say it? Well, with hindsight, I'm willing to wager that we weren't talking about myself when he said that! Yes, he is probably into cock too, and is just in denial.
I feel a bit sorry for him: At least I accepted it! The problem I had was realising that this didn't mean I couldn't have the best of both worlds, oddly enough.
Wow, this is the most personal blog entry yet. This scares me. I hope nobody I know reads this.
Feeling Rough, Feeling Raw, In The Prime Of My Life
On a closing note, Jason Liggi told me that I look like Alec Baldwin. Now, my response to this piece of news depends on which Alec Baldwin he means.
Thank You.Fuck You. (Kidding)And now, for your visual and audible pleasure, have a video from Youtube:
Not the official video, but listen to the words!
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Pokemon Playthrough Part Two : Sir Mewton's Balls
So after being thrown out of my home and told to force animals to fight, I ended up walking through some grass and finding out why I had to force animals to fight. I was immediately attacked by a bizzare bird creature!
Genuine fear grew in my very soul at the sight of this fearsome creature, but my travelling companion and, I am now proud to say, my lover, Witty Name, fought off the foul beast. It wasn't all happiness in Pokeland, though: Witty Name had taken a few knocks during the epic struggle and had a bit of a dicky tummy. Fortunately, some kind gentleman decided to give me a potion.
Now, despite having a few screws loose, my mother, named MOM, always taught me never to take strange substances from strangers. She muttered something about Rohypnol and how it played some part in my birth, but this was when I asked where my father was. That always riled her up.
Nevertheless, I took the potion but vowed only to take it if absolutely necessary. I didn't want to give it to Witty Name through fear that he/she/it may become pregnant. Fortunately I quickly stumbled across a small town named Viridian City where there was a "PokeCentre," a kind of hospital for Pokemen.
There was a very nice nurse there who patched up Witty Name for me for absolutely no money. Which was nice.
This town was tiny, so I have no idea why it was called Viridian City. It was more of a village if anything. There were two houses at most and very few people, including the drunk old man who wouldn't let me leave town through the north exit.
I could have felt anger, but to be honest I just felt sorry for his poor daughter who had to put up with him and probably clean his arse when he shat on the carpet and apologise to the neightbours when he pissed through their windows.
Unable to leave and unwilling to go south back to my home, I decided to explore a little bit, which is when I found the shop! I don't know what Gerry thinks I am; as soon as I entered the building I was accosted by some chap behind the counter, telling me that the old bastard had told him I'd deliver a package to him.
Cheeky git. Since I had nothing to do, I decided to take the parcel anyway.
Gerry said it was a custom Pokeball, whatever that is. I could make a guess, but I refuse to believe that Gerry is carving away at the testicles of innocent animals. Anyway, Ninja showed up and chatted some shit, and it turned out that Gerry had called him to the lab to get a present. Fucking charming. I play delivery boy while Ninja is out philandering and corrupting the minds of the innocent, and HE gets called in to get a present. I guess Gerry felt bad about this as I got one too, though it turned out to be some book-type thing that recorded data on the Pokemen I caught.
That was the last straw. First I'm playing Postman fucking Pat without being paid, and now the old bastard is sending me out to do research for him. What an absolute bunch of twunts. Ninja decided to taunt me by saying he was going to get a "Town Map" from his sister and would tell her not to give me one. Little did he know that I would be getting a map from her, plus a little more.
Pokeland is a confusing place. The Town Map manages to cover the entire Country. Clearly, Geography is not a strong point of the Japanese.
On my way back to Viridian City, something bizarre appeared.
I think my eyes may have just been blurry and I couldn't see it properly, but a creature appeared before me, which I somehow knew was called a Mew, and attacked! After an epic battle of time and space that last about fiften seconds, I attempted to cage the animal. And succeeded!
When my eyes cleared, I was able to see the cat-like creature more clearly, and decided to name it Sir Mewton because Jason Liggi told me to. Fourth wall got raped there.
I ran around in the grass a bit more and stumbled across a rat with two giant front teeth. I named him appropriately.
It was strangely familiar.
Genuine fear grew in my very soul at the sight of this fearsome creature, but my travelling companion and, I am now proud to say, my lover, Witty Name, fought off the foul beast. It wasn't all happiness in Pokeland, though: Witty Name had taken a few knocks during the epic struggle and had a bit of a dicky tummy. Fortunately, some kind gentleman decided to give me a potion.
Now, despite having a few screws loose, my mother, named MOM, always taught me never to take strange substances from strangers. She muttered something about Rohypnol and how it played some part in my birth, but this was when I asked where my father was. That always riled her up.Nevertheless, I took the potion but vowed only to take it if absolutely necessary. I didn't want to give it to Witty Name through fear that he/she/it may become pregnant. Fortunately I quickly stumbled across a small town named Viridian City where there was a "PokeCentre," a kind of hospital for Pokemen.
There was a very nice nurse there who patched up Witty Name for me for absolutely no money. Which was nice.This town was tiny, so I have no idea why it was called Viridian City. It was more of a village if anything. There were two houses at most and very few people, including the drunk old man who wouldn't let me leave town through the north exit.
I could have felt anger, but to be honest I just felt sorry for his poor daughter who had to put up with him and probably clean his arse when he shat on the carpet and apologise to the neightbours when he pissed through their windows.Unable to leave and unwilling to go south back to my home, I decided to explore a little bit, which is when I found the shop! I don't know what Gerry thinks I am; as soon as I entered the building I was accosted by some chap behind the counter, telling me that the old bastard had told him I'd deliver a package to him.
Cheeky git. Since I had nothing to do, I decided to take the parcel anyway.
Gerry said it was a custom Pokeball, whatever that is. I could make a guess, but I refuse to believe that Gerry is carving away at the testicles of innocent animals. Anyway, Ninja showed up and chatted some shit, and it turned out that Gerry had called him to the lab to get a present. Fucking charming. I play delivery boy while Ninja is out philandering and corrupting the minds of the innocent, and HE gets called in to get a present. I guess Gerry felt bad about this as I got one too, though it turned out to be some book-type thing that recorded data on the Pokemen I caught.That was the last straw. First I'm playing Postman fucking Pat without being paid, and now the old bastard is sending me out to do research for him. What an absolute bunch of twunts. Ninja decided to taunt me by saying he was going to get a "Town Map" from his sister and would tell her not to give me one. Little did he know that I would be getting a map from her, plus a little more.
Pokeland is a confusing place. The Town Map manages to cover the entire Country. Clearly, Geography is not a strong point of the Japanese.
On my way back to Viridian City, something bizarre appeared.
I think my eyes may have just been blurry and I couldn't see it properly, but a creature appeared before me, which I somehow knew was called a Mew, and attacked! After an epic battle of time and space that last about fiften seconds, I attempted to cage the animal. And succeeded!
When my eyes cleared, I was able to see the cat-like creature more clearly, and decided to name it Sir Mewton because Jason Liggi told me to. Fourth wall got raped there.
I ran around in the grass a bit more and stumbled across a rat with two giant front teeth. I named him appropriately.
It was strangely familiar.
Saturday, 17 January 2009
Review: Crank - Does it look like I got cunt written on my head?
What an absolutely Jesus titty-fucking Christ brilliant movie. This movie is perfection on a screen. There is everything you could possibly want in this movie, from the eye candy provided by both Jason Statham and Amy Smart to the hilarious comedic moments throughout to the brilliant action scenes, all of which seem to be provided by the main man Jason Statham himself.
The movie is non-stop action. I mean, the plot is about a dude who can't stop moving because of a poison in his system that will kill him unless his adrenaline is high, so you know it's gonna be a great movie, but there's so much more to it than that. It's also incredibly funny, from the cutting off of some fat dude's hand to the scene in which Jason Statham and Amy Smart end up fucking in the middle of chinatown, every scene in this movie is genius.
I recommend this to everybody with a soul.
5/5
Go watch it. Now.
Oh, and guess who has a cameo? Chester Fucking Bennington, that's who. Go and watch this shit immediately.
The movie is non-stop action. I mean, the plot is about a dude who can't stop moving because of a poison in his system that will kill him unless his adrenaline is high, so you know it's gonna be a great movie, but there's so much more to it than that. It's also incredibly funny, from the cutting off of some fat dude's hand to the scene in which Jason Statham and Amy Smart end up fucking in the middle of chinatown, every scene in this movie is genius.
I recommend this to everybody with a soul.
5/5
Go watch it. Now.
Oh, and guess who has a cameo? Chester Fucking Bennington, that's who. Go and watch this shit immediately.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
The Lies
Today - whilst sitting and thinking about dinosaurs - I came to the realisation of one eternal, unquestionable truth:
We have all been lied to!
Creationism? Evolution? All filthy lies designed to keep us under control. Let's start with the obvious...
Dinosaurs
Killed by a meteor? Don't make me laugh. Dinosaurs were far too awesome to be killed by a poxy meteor. Aren't those things falling all the time, anyway? How come we haven't been wiped out yet? Oh, it fell in the sea and fucked shit up or something. Bollocks! The planets covered in the sea and this only happened once, ages ago? What a load of twaddle. I will no enlighten you. I mean, do you really think something so ridiculous could wipe out a planet of dinosaurs?
A meteor is no match for this!
The dinosaurs were wiped out by a nuclear missile fired by aliens, which brings us to our next point.
Humanity
Now, you may want to sit down for this as I am about to blow your tiny, closed mind into a hundred thousand pieces...
We are aliens!
That's right. The truth is that after our original race wiped out all life on this planet other than the cockroaches, they waited several years for the Earth to become habitable once more and then colonised it. Now, I know what you're thinking right now: What about all the little animals and stuff? Well, they obviously captured of the inhabitants of the planet before nuking it. They used their advanced technology to genetically engineer the dinosaurs so that they were the tiny little things we now know as lizards, snakes, crocodiles, and birds. They then used the same techniques to alter their own DNA with that of the monkeys so that some of them could stay on the planet. This was common practice for all their colonies, I assure you.
This is where I think the story of Adam & Eve may have some truth to it.
Adam & Eve
So, what if there was an Adam & Eve, but they weren't exactly as descibed in the bible? What if our original ancestors, the "aliens," created Adam & Eve by mixing their own DNA with that of the apes?
There was an experiment to create the ultimate creature for survival on this planet. Now, the first couple of thousand or so of these experiments were failures and exiled to the Earth's less attractive areas, but Project ADAM and Project EVE were great successes and were given an area of the Earth to rule over by the "aliens" until one day they fucked up and got kicked out by their Supreme Masters and had to shack up with the failed experiments. However, before the "aliens" could continue with the experiments, they had to leave for some reason or another.
However, some of the aliens stayed behind and bred with both each other and, eventually, their experimens. Some of these aliens still exist today, being immortal, and walk among us. Now, I know what you're thinking: Why then, oh wise one, do our true ancestors reveal themselves? Why did they not step forth and try to help us with their gifts? Why not use this power to do good, or just makea shit-ton of money? Well, I submit to you, readers, that they did reveal themselves, and what happened to this most noble of "aliens"?
Jesus
Yes, Jesus was an alien who revealed himself. He was not the son of "Dog" or some nonsense like that, which was just a lie designed by the other "aliens" to hide the truth. Why did they do this? Well, what happened to Jesus upon revealing himself?
YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM! He tried to tell us the truth and you killed him, allowing the "Church" to twist his stories into some bollocks that would hide those truths forever. You are responsible for this. There is proof of this in the bible itself, when his corpse is collected by an spaceship from some cave or something. Poor Jesus.
So, your actions caused a fear in the other "aliens" that made them far too scared to reveal themselves. Now they all sit around coming up with the next lie (Christianity, Scientology, Evolution) for when we get bored of the last one.
Side Notes:
Just after realising these truths, I got a letter from my employers informing me that I'd been signed up for counselling. I don't think the two are related.
I had an idea for a short story today. It's about a monkey who can talk and is a private detective. He has to investigate the theft of one of Jack's beans from the old story about that dude Jack who climbed the giant beanstalk and hung out with a giant for a while.
We have all been lied to!
Creationism? Evolution? All filthy lies designed to keep us under control. Let's start with the obvious...
Dinosaurs
Killed by a meteor? Don't make me laugh. Dinosaurs were far too awesome to be killed by a poxy meteor. Aren't those things falling all the time, anyway? How come we haven't been wiped out yet? Oh, it fell in the sea and fucked shit up or something. Bollocks! The planets covered in the sea and this only happened once, ages ago? What a load of twaddle. I will no enlighten you. I mean, do you really think something so ridiculous could wipe out a planet of dinosaurs?
A meteor is no match for this!The dinosaurs were wiped out by a nuclear missile fired by aliens, which brings us to our next point.
Humanity
Now, you may want to sit down for this as I am about to blow your tiny, closed mind into a hundred thousand pieces...
We are aliens!
That's right. The truth is that after our original race wiped out all life on this planet other than the cockroaches, they waited several years for the Earth to become habitable once more and then colonised it. Now, I know what you're thinking right now: What about all the little animals and stuff? Well, they obviously captured of the inhabitants of the planet before nuking it. They used their advanced technology to genetically engineer the dinosaurs so that they were the tiny little things we now know as lizards, snakes, crocodiles, and birds. They then used the same techniques to alter their own DNA with that of the monkeys so that some of them could stay on the planet. This was common practice for all their colonies, I assure you.
This is where I think the story of Adam & Eve may have some truth to it.
Adam & Eve
So, what if there was an Adam & Eve, but they weren't exactly as descibed in the bible? What if our original ancestors, the "aliens," created Adam & Eve by mixing their own DNA with that of the apes?
There was an experiment to create the ultimate creature for survival on this planet. Now, the first couple of thousand or so of these experiments were failures and exiled to the Earth's less attractive areas, but Project ADAM and Project EVE were great successes and were given an area of the Earth to rule over by the "aliens" until one day they fucked up and got kicked out by their Supreme Masters and had to shack up with the failed experiments. However, before the "aliens" could continue with the experiments, they had to leave for some reason or another.
However, some of the aliens stayed behind and bred with both each other and, eventually, their experimens. Some of these aliens still exist today, being immortal, and walk among us. Now, I know what you're thinking: Why then, oh wise one, do our true ancestors reveal themselves? Why did they not step forth and try to help us with their gifts? Why not use this power to do good, or just makea shit-ton of money? Well, I submit to you, readers, that they did reveal themselves, and what happened to this most noble of "aliens"?
Jesus
Yes, Jesus was an alien who revealed himself. He was not the son of "Dog" or some nonsense like that, which was just a lie designed by the other "aliens" to hide the truth. Why did they do this? Well, what happened to Jesus upon revealing himself?
YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM! He tried to tell us the truth and you killed him, allowing the "Church" to twist his stories into some bollocks that would hide those truths forever. You are responsible for this. There is proof of this in the bible itself, when his corpse is collected by an spaceship from some cave or something. Poor Jesus.
So, your actions caused a fear in the other "aliens" that made them far too scared to reveal themselves. Now they all sit around coming up with the next lie (Christianity, Scientology, Evolution) for when we get bored of the last one.
Side Notes:
Just after realising these truths, I got a letter from my employers informing me that I'd been signed up for counselling. I don't think the two are related.
I had an idea for a short story today. It's about a monkey who can talk and is a private detective. He has to investigate the theft of one of Jack's beans from the old story about that dude Jack who climbed the giant beanstalk and hung out with a giant for a while.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Friday, 2 January 2009
I have evolved
For reals, I have evolved to a higher state of human. I am now more than human.
I do not need sleep.
I've been lying here for an hour trying to sleep, but I'm just not tired. And all of a sudden I could hear something in my mind. Something wonderful.
Seriously, I'm being kept awake by Love Shack? This is either proof of my evolution or a message from... uh... Dog or something.
Leave me a voicemail or something next time.
I do not need sleep.
I've been lying here for an hour trying to sleep, but I'm just not tired. And all of a sudden I could hear something in my mind. Something wonderful.
Seriously, I'm being kept awake by Love Shack? This is either proof of my evolution or a message from... uh... Dog or something.
Leave me a voicemail or something next time.What does it mean? Maybe I'm supposed to find a place called Love Shack or something. But isn't that a brothel? It is clearly my destiny to go to the Love Shack and attempt to save the life of a prostitute only to fail and watch her die, and then her quirky little brother becomes my sidekick and we become two urban cowboys, travelling the lands in search of revenge for the death of Nancy Nine-Teeth. Then we'll find out that her killer is like, my brother or some shit and it will be obvious that Dog, the writer of this epic tale, has jumped the shark.
The worst case since the great "Aunt Vi Swap" of '93
For now I'll just download Love Shack off iTunes and go make a sandwich.
The worst case since the great "Aunt Vi Swap" of '93For now I'll just download Love Shack off iTunes and go make a sandwich.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Pokemon Playthrough : Part One
Aw yeah...
So I turned the game on and got treated to this awesome video of this spiky dude who looks kinda like an overweight Sonic fighting this mutated rat thing. They just kinda bounced around and then jumped at each other. It was freaking epic.
Epic battle
Then the legendary screen appears with my awesome dude stood with some little lizard thing with a burning tail sat next to him. Haven't seen that screen for a while. Lizard dude must be burning up. Anyway, I hit the menus and stuff and get into the game, and some old laboratory geek is stood there telling me about these Pokemon things and how I'm supposed to catch them in tiny balls and make them fight.
Someone call the RSPCA! I've got to cage up these little innocent animal things and force them to fight? I'm pretty sure that's illegal in every country, but clearly not in Pokeland. Anyway, this doctor who's called Professor Oak prattles on like all old people do for a while, I'm gonna call him Gerry from now on. Short for geriatrics. Then when he finally shuts up I get to see myself. Now, I look pimp. I got a hat that's so low, it's covering one of my eyes. I'm freaking awesome.
That's me, and hell yeah my name is Pirate, though now I'm thinking I should have gone with something like "Awesome Hat" but that wouldn't have fit. I was only allowed like 8 characters which sucked. Ayways, Gerry keeps talking about some stuff and then he shows me a picture of his grandson, which is kind of weird, though he looks pimp too.
Gerry's so old he forgot his own grandson's name. I feel kinda sorry for him, but look at that hair. That more than makes up for it. Then I get turned into some freakish midget version of myself and get plopped into a nice bedroom. With a SNES!
A freaking SNES!
I'm kind of disappointed that I got turned into a midget. I don't have anything against midgets, it's just that now I can't see the awesomeness of the hat. So I go downstairs and this woman's there who I'm guessing is my mum, who is named MOM - all caps - and she says something about all boys having to leave home at some point.
Ok, that's kind of weird. I only look about twelve and you're kicking me out? That's a bit harsh, sending me out into the world of midgets and animal cruelty at the tender age of TWELVE. The hat will protect me.
But anyway, my mum tells me to go next door and see Gerry, but he's not there. There's just some girl sat there. The house next door isn't even Gerry's place; it's Ninja's. So, I'm thinking maybe I should forgive mum for kicking me out because she's cleary a bit dim. In fact, I now feel a bit guilty for leaving her alone without a carer or anything.
I leave Gerry's place and go walk in some grass, then he stops me and says something about Pokemon and how I should get one to help me fight other animals. I don't really understand because I'm fairly sure I could get rid of wild animals myself with a kick or something, I don't need another animal to fight for me. But anyway, Gerry takes me back to his place to show me some animals. Kinda reminds me of the time some creepy old guy asked me if I wanted to get in his car to see some puppies. Education in Pokeland is lacking.
Ninja's there and he's whining about something, then I get to choose an animal to cage and force to fight. Naturally, I choose the lizard with the burning tail because he's kind of awesome. Here he is.
Awesome.
Then Ninja chose his, and attacked me! Pokeland is so hostile. But it didn't matter, because Witty Name scratched up the little turtle thing that Ninja was using and I won.
Fighting like girls, really.
So I won, gloated a bit, and then left. I went home to see MOM and she forced me to go to bed! I didn't even have a choice. It's not dark out, either. Then I walked toward that patch of grass again, and set forth on my epic journey!
Leaving home at last
And then I forgot to save the game and had to go through all that shit again.
So I turned the game on and got treated to this awesome video of this spiky dude who looks kinda like an overweight Sonic fighting this mutated rat thing. They just kinda bounced around and then jumped at each other. It was freaking epic.
Epic battle
Then the legendary screen appears with my awesome dude stood with some little lizard thing with a burning tail sat next to him. Haven't seen that screen for a while. Lizard dude must be burning up. Anyway, I hit the menus and stuff and get into the game, and some old laboratory geek is stood there telling me about these Pokemon things and how I'm supposed to catch them in tiny balls and make them fight.
Someone call the RSPCA! I've got to cage up these little innocent animal things and force them to fight? I'm pretty sure that's illegal in every country, but clearly not in Pokeland. Anyway, this doctor who's called Professor Oak prattles on like all old people do for a while, I'm gonna call him Gerry from now on. Short for geriatrics. Then when he finally shuts up I get to see myself. Now, I look pimp. I got a hat that's so low, it's covering one of my eyes. I'm freaking awesome.
That's me, and hell yeah my name is Pirate, though now I'm thinking I should have gone with something like "Awesome Hat" but that wouldn't have fit. I was only allowed like 8 characters which sucked. Ayways, Gerry keeps talking about some stuff and then he shows me a picture of his grandson, which is kind of weird, though he looks pimp too.
Gerry's so old he forgot his own grandson's name. I feel kinda sorry for him, but look at that hair. That more than makes up for it. Then I get turned into some freakish midget version of myself and get plopped into a nice bedroom. With a SNES!
A freaking SNES!I'm kind of disappointed that I got turned into a midget. I don't have anything against midgets, it's just that now I can't see the awesomeness of the hat. So I go downstairs and this woman's there who I'm guessing is my mum, who is named MOM - all caps - and she says something about all boys having to leave home at some point.
Ok, that's kind of weird. I only look about twelve and you're kicking me out? That's a bit harsh, sending me out into the world of midgets and animal cruelty at the tender age of TWELVE. The hat will protect me.
But anyway, my mum tells me to go next door and see Gerry, but he's not there. There's just some girl sat there. The house next door isn't even Gerry's place; it's Ninja's. So, I'm thinking maybe I should forgive mum for kicking me out because she's cleary a bit dim. In fact, I now feel a bit guilty for leaving her alone without a carer or anything.
I leave Gerry's place and go walk in some grass, then he stops me and says something about Pokemon and how I should get one to help me fight other animals. I don't really understand because I'm fairly sure I could get rid of wild animals myself with a kick or something, I don't need another animal to fight for me. But anyway, Gerry takes me back to his place to show me some animals. Kinda reminds me of the time some creepy old guy asked me if I wanted to get in his car to see some puppies. Education in Pokeland is lacking.
Ninja's there and he's whining about something, then I get to choose an animal to cage and force to fight. Naturally, I choose the lizard with the burning tail because he's kind of awesome. Here he is.
Awesome.I couldn't think of a witty name, so I just called him Witty Name.
Then Ninja chose his, and attacked me! Pokeland is so hostile. But it didn't matter, because Witty Name scratched up the little turtle thing that Ninja was using and I won.
Fighting like girls, really.So I won, gloated a bit, and then left. I went home to see MOM and she forced me to go to bed! I didn't even have a choice. It's not dark out, either. Then I walked toward that patch of grass again, and set forth on my epic journey!
Leaving home at last
And then I forgot to save the game and had to go through all that shit again.
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